New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
