I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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