Whod you bang
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
