Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
