He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
