Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
