you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
