Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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