Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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