I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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