just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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