just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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