I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
