Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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