imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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