this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
