i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize