My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
