I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
