Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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