Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
