I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
