He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
