nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
