just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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