I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
