News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
