I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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