One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
