Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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