I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
