Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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