He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
