I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
