the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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