Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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