not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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