My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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