Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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