Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
