I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize