Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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