I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
