My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
