i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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