Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
