the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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