So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
