I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
