Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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