he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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