Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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