Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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