I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
