I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
