if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
