listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
