It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize